Always Goodbye

There are people in my life that it feels like I am saying goodbye to all the time.

I once had a brother. Not the flesh and blood kind, he was a soul brother. We connected in this sort of kinetic way. I was the light in his shadows and he was the shadow in my light. I think his shadowing of my heart is why we had our last break.

All Brett has ever wanted to do was die. I know that sounds harsh, but it is true. Once a month, like some weird kind of male PMS there was a suicide scare or a drug overdose scare. Hell I was just scared all the time.

After about four years of being scared for him, and one huge blow out about it, I stepped back. If you are not always a strong swimmer yourself, you can not save a drowning person without the risk of drowning right along with them.

In truth, I hoped my leaving and him wanting me back in his life would be motivation enough for him to save himself. He professed the deepest kind of love for me and I had hope. Hope fades though over time.

He did clean up for a while. We talked a bit, but with true addicts who try to do things themselves sobriety can be short lived. His was. So a long silence stretched out between us.

I used to hear from him every couple of months. I would write back. There would be a brief exchange and then I would ask the questions he couldn't or wouldn't answer.

I haven't heard from him since May. All of my attempts to contact him have come to nothing. I am beginning to think that he finally found his way off this rock.

I should be happy for him if he has. There was not much other than pain and disappointment for him here. I am a selfish creature though and while we haven't talked much I never stopped loving him, not for a moment.

So my heart is breaking a little in these wee hours when I can't sleep and he is nowhere to be found.

Love and Light Bro, I hope you have found what you were looking for.